holy sweetness

What a sweet day.

I woke up spry as an athlete (ha!) and simply enjoyed the morning. Who does that besides Amanda?

Two o'clock the moment I had been waiting for. It was Lauren's time to show me her opera skills. Lauren Mayell has finally taken up some professional vocal lessons as part of her post - secondary edumication. The thing about this girl is that classical and anything that isn't ''shake your bootie''ish typically doesn't fit the category of what she will sing.

So needless to say, I was amazed. Her performance was good and the song suited her very much. By the end of the year people will most likely argue that the song was originally composed for Lauren's voice. Splendid.

I was thus inspired to go to the piano practice room afterwards. I had never been in the ones at Lakehead...so I was a bit nervous at first. The doors have huge windows in them and everyone can see you. But...they're close enough to sound proof to make me happy. I couldn't hear anyone else playing and they can't hear me. The lips are moving but nothing's coming out. So, it was much easier to focus on the task at hand.

I was so happy that I can't even put it into words beyond: "I am happy". All is right in the world. I'm singing and I feel my voice getting stronger and stronger everyday. Now, I just have to find someone to sing to. Anyone. It's exciting. Yet beyond a hope and a dream I have nothing.
I like to listen to the voices of others a tad more than my own (in the end). Plus I'm h-core nursing.

Ho hum...nursing homework to do. But I could sing all day. Meh. It must get done. Must...get...done.

I didn't have a headache all day today! I am so confused as to the state of my own health. I had migranes since the middle of the summer every...single... day...and now all of a sudden I am in a state of euphoria and they disappear?!

God bless pianos then!

hmmmm...

You know how people always make these elaborate and well-to-do New Year's Resolutions and then a week later they entirely break them?
You guys also know how I get so upset and then say 'well, I'll never do THAT again,' or what have you.

Well. I took a step back. I thought about the choices I had made, the choices other people had made. I thought of why it just didn't work out.

Because. I'm not ready.

I love it when you think you find someone safe and you use them to hurt someone else. And then...the whole situation gets turned around on you and bites you in your sorry little arse. *cough *Cough.

Well...I know this much is true: I have a lot of 'emotions' (!) that I have to pull my self over and walk at least twenty miles away from before anything remotely close to a relationship is ever ever ever going to happen again.
Never pick up someone who has more baggage than you. They won't fit in the car.
If you don't want to have kids and you want to go to school for thirteen years...be honest. No one likes to be led on a string.

If it doesn't feel right...it's probably because it isn't 'right'.

Once again I neglected my friends, my school work, my family (a little) and even Jesus. How dare I? Well, that entire situation was a little messed up. The good news is that I'm not so depressed right now that I want another piercing. I don't have anywhere inconspicuous left to pierce. Hahah.

So that's the long and short of it. The worst part is that I don't even care. He's more of a man now that he's angry than he ever was. He actually is bold and cruel and...okay. He's just being an asshole. I was just kidding. but I'm an asshole too.

I'm just gonna absorb myself in my books and the good company of my girlfriends up here (and all their man slaves) and DDR and some social outings. Life is good. Life is GOOD!

What a Day

You know that feeling you get when you wake up and it's your birthday or it's christmas or it's easter or something??? You just know something wonderful is going to happen that day and you jump out of bed in anticipation.
That's what I felt like this morning.

Nothing particularily 'good' or 'exciting' happened today...but the night is still young. I was thinking maybe a phone call from somebody extra special...so I've been jumping out of my seat each time the phone rings. But no sign of the prodigal yet. I don't know what I mean by prodigal.

I think I need help. Moreover, I think I need the counsel of a good friend. I'm happy, but at the same time something is pulling at my conscience and heart and I don't know what. Maybe if I just talk for a bit it'll all come out. Maybe I'll cry a little (yikes!) or maybe i'll just supress a nervous giggle. Either way, it's got to come out. It is driving me to the loonie bin.

I have a lab exam on Friday and for the first time this year...I'm kind of anxious. After that bio midterm, I don't know what my odds of passing with flying colours are. Eeek.

Nav, you'd be so proud of me; I got a 94 on my psyche midterm! Perhaps the fact that I took the same class last year worked in my favour. Hahah. Second time is always a charm. If not the second, then the third. If not the third, then the fourth...etc, etc.

I almost made the class cry today during my communication presentation. Glorious. The impact of the reality of child abuse and neglect on people is truly astounding. I still can't believe Victoria Climbe's aunt and uncle tied her in a plastic bag along with her excrement in a freezing bath tub in an uninsulated bathroom in the dead of winter. Moreover, I cannot believe that the health care system didn't pick up on the signs of maltreatment upon her orderly visits. She was sent to three hospitals because suspicions of child abuse were reported. And NOTHING! was recorded. It's a fucking joke. Really. And that was in 2000. I cried the first time I read that.

Sigh.

Random thought: I wonder how Neal's tattoo is progressing. Nothing but fantasmic I can imagine. I am writhing with jealousy.

I need your opinion...Lauren?!

Okay, for all of you bloggers out there who have heard a vicious rumour that I copied Neal's freaky little 'inside the lip' piercing [a rumour which was started by myself]...I need your public opinion. Do you think that it looks okay? Understanding that it took me forever to get my Fujifilm delight in working order and that I am the least photogenic person on the planet. And I've been looking really pale lately. I realize it's been awhile since most of you have seen me. THis is just a refresher. I expect reciprocation.

Settle Your Hormones!

Sunday. My life has fallen in to a routine lately. If you know anything about me you know that I love routine. Just loooooooove it. It isn't very often that things seem to fall in to place and work out marvelously, but lately they have.

What is this routine thou speakest of? Well...
Every Saturday I do whatever it is my heart desires...whether that be playing DDR at Cat and Chris's or doing petty studying for psyche and chem or giving surprised visits to the most pleasant specimen of a man I have ever met. That's right, I called Scott a 'specimen'.

Then comes Sunday. By some act of God, Sundays always seem to be the warmest, the sunniest, with the mildest wind. Every Sunday I do the same thing with a slight variation (but the important parts remaining the same). Go to church, have lunch with Scott, go home. Think.

What did we do today? We found out what a $400 000 house looks like today. Ummm...you can't convince me that the lottery house is worth that much. Although I must admit...the floors rock and the master bedroom as A-ok in my books. Definitely. The scenery is so beautiful in that area. The hills and 'mountain' in the background...Ah. How refreshing. One could only be so lucky to have all of that to go home to. Could I ever ask for more?
Yes. A loving husband and kids. But I won't get too out of hand with that thought. Sshhh. Don't tell anyone. My reputation as a spinster in training would be spoiled forever.

Hmm...I must say though, I am enjoying myself thoroughly. I have a life outside of my nursing homework (well, I can pretend that I do). And I don't feel too pressed for time.
Oh, and get this: I'm going to visit Dad on the 20th. I don't know...the people that have walked into my life since September have brought a whole new perspective to me when it comes to family...despite how dysfunctional it all seems. They're there. That's what counts.

Oh...another thing. So I was going ape shit in the truck. Yeah...crazy. You know how I get [I mean---I demolished my alarm clock for heavens sakes]. So Scott just turns to me and says, "Oh settle your hormones". Well that put me in my place. Even if he WAS joking.

So men, next time your gf is giving you the third degree...just turn to her and whisper these three sweet words : Settle Your Hormones.

What If...?

I was sitting alone in a quiet place surrounded only by my thoughts. You all know how much I don't cherish those moments. There is nothing worse than the nagging 'what ifs' that pummel themselves at us.

But what if...
I would have called more. What would Thanksgiving have been like? Would I be happy?
What if...
I would have stayed. What would I be doing?. Would I still feel as bitter as I did? Would I have a job now? Would I be in school for four or five or six or seven years?
What if...
I wouldn't have went to that shag. Would I feel a little empty inside? Would my long distance phone bill be through the roof?
What if...
I would have kept every single promise I ever made to myself. Would I still swear like a trooper? Would I be single? Would I be studying in a convent? Would I be running a marathon in June?
What if...
I went to Medical School. Would I get married? Would I have a family? Would I be a nervous breakdown waiting to happen? Would I...make the time for the things that matter?
What if...
I got married tomorrow and started having a family? Well, there'd be more mini me's and that just wouldn't be good. I just don't think I would be happy.
What if...
I composed a song that changed the world.
okay...that would never happen. But what if it changed just one person's world? Would it be worth it?
What if...
I saved a life? Then I would consider none of my efforts to be in vain.

Life really is too short...but I'm going to savor all of those fleeting moments.

bizarrorama

So today began as the world's wierdest day. I had a complete spaz attack. Firstly, my alarm clock wasn't working--surprise, surprise. It always picks Sunday too. Always. So I usually end up going to church like a slob...but apparently Jesus doesn't care. Well I care.

So I unplugged it and flew down the stairs. I opened the side door and started swinging it like a lass-o while I made some last minute decisions: to destroy or not to destroy.

Destroy.

Now it is little more than a cord and some jumbled bits...and a memory.

The good news is that it can only go up from here.

Scott picked me up for church. Oh wait...he drove here, then I drove the rest of the way. That was an adventure. He's the worst backseat driver I've ever seen. He kept pretending to flip out and fiddle with buttons that shouldn't be played with [like the radio that apparently works...and scared the living daylights out of me!!!]. When we finally got there in one piece...we were late. So we got some nice backrow seating next to all of the new moms that are still in the breastfeeding stages. But we were facing forward, so we missed out on all of the action.

We've concluded that we have to go to church together more often, especially this one. It has comfy chairs (but the chairs weren't the determining factors--how shallow!).

Then I went to Zellers to buy a new alarm clock.

Next thing you know I've been conned into cabbage rolls and quadding at Scott's house. But it was definitely worthwhile...not just for quadding either: his mom told me some of the most embarassing stories about Scott I'll ever hear. The good thing is that he's more open now. Nothing he can say or do can embarass him more than his mother is capable of. Hahahha.

We went up to the 'mountain' and sped through the old railway bed. It was nice to just feel the wind breezing through my hair--I'm loving this long hair thing--and to see the fall colours zooming past. I haven't smelled like the great outdoors in ages. I'm starting to not be a wallflower anymore.

Kidding.

So yes. This was the most fun I have had in ages...well since the last time I went snowshoeing down the river with the one and only Miss Dahmer. That was a blast. Don't worry Lauren...I haven't been swayed away from you all in one afternoon of blissful quadding.

Love ya!