memories, all alone in the moonlight, da da da da da daaaaaaaaaa daaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I am filled with an overwhelming urge to catch the first bus I can find to Dawson Creek. But then I think of how disgusting and gross and tired I will feel after being on that said bus for over two days in a row...and choose otherwise. But it's the initial thought that counts, right Vince???

On a random and optimistic side note...I get so see Lauren and Katie and Mike tomorrow (or the day after, whichever comes first, I suppose)!! Sweetness. REmind me again why my friends choose to live thousands of miles away during the school year. My memory needs some refreshing (I wrote 'refreshening' at first and then laughed to myself at how stupid I am). I have been one lonely hen out here in NWO. Looooonely--emphasis on 'loon'. And the nights are cold, lemme tell you. It's just not the same without a roomate.

On another side note...

I found a cute picture. It makes the distance a little more bearable. Afterall, memories are very powerful. He's so cute. But don't worry...I'm in it for more than looks ;) Could I possibly have a stupider expression on my face? I love to ruin pictures. I think Vince has narcolepsy. Someone should tell him it's not normal to succomb to Rapid Eye Movements in the middle of the afternoon during dorm dinners. I hate to be the bearer of bad news so...

Reminiscing

One exam done, three more to go. Day by day the stress is disappearing. The holidays are coming soon. I'll be seeing more and more of family as I come out of hiding. The days of t he hermit are slowly coming to a close.

Within no time Christmas will have come and gone. Another festive holiday spent reminiscing and sharing embarassing stories that have been told so many time stuffing comes out your nose as soon as someone says, "liquid vomit". That in itself is an inside family joke and will forever be 'inside'. The embarassment is mine and mine alone.

Family may drive me crazy 90% of the time...but thy sure know how to make me laugh hysterically for the other 10% of the time.

Does anyone else find that they spend more time having flashbacks during Christmas than at any other time of year?
There is no such thing as tradition in my family. We don't always go to Grandma's house and have a big fat turkey and say grace. We dont' always have a nice Christmas tree. I don't always spend it with one parent or the other. But...Christmas has always been spent with the majority of the same people...and in NWO.

Next Christmas will be completely different. The funny thing is: I'm ready for that. Things are already changing day by day. Soon I can start my own traditions. It's exciting and freaky and lovely all at the same time.

I can't believe we never say grace. Hmmm...there's so many religious people in my family and none of them ever want to say grace. Wierd, eh? We used to when I was little and then one day it just ceased. That's the one part of Christmas and family get togethers that I miss...even though I was always the one recruited to do the job--even when I was 6 and my grace was nothing over and above "Thank you God for turkey and mommy and daddy and grampy and grammy...and maybe liz".

Merry Christmas and happy exams!

final exam monotony

So i got the schedule for semester number two. Smooth sailing I tell you. Smooth sailing. I have a grand total of four classes...half of which are clinical. So for the majority of the week I will be practicing my enema giving skills. Still wanna shake my hand?

I need someone to practice on. Any takers?

Just as a random side note: getting along with the people you live with makes life worth the living. The only sad part about actually getting along is that it makes leaving that much harder. You know?

Sigh of relief. Mom is happy. Almost too happy. Kidding. She's very excited about shopping for clothing apparel over Christmas. It's a happy time. Ever since Grandma put her hearing aid back in things have become even easier. She's excited to meet Vince and is trying desperately to cram as much quilting tutelage in over Christmas break as possible. "Life skills, dear. It's all about life skills. I'm sure this Vincent character wouldn't want to marry a woman who can't even make a decent quilt to spruce up your...living quarters".

Living quarters? It's hard for Grandma to admit that i'm going to be moving in with a man...etc, etc. I'm watching out for Amanda with all of this. Mental pictures.
And life isn't just about quilting. It's about knitting and quilting. Don't laugh. I'm sure someone out there finds knitting sexy.

It's nice to keep you guys in touch with the madness.

41 days until I get to see my posse again!!!

I'm so excited, and I just can't fight it.

I'm about to lose control and I think I like it.

Everyday the possibility of elopement seems moore plausible. Colours, dresses, flowers, dates, halls, invites...it's a crazy time. And it will be for awhile. The good news is, I have many girl friends that are much more organized than I and they know what's taboo and what isn't taboo. Thank goodness.

Everyday things start seeming less and less sureal. I can't wait for august to come around. And I can't wait to fight with Vincent like an old married couple. That would be fun.

Hey, Lauren, Krysta and muffin. Thank you so much for always guiding Vince in the right direction concerning his shopping endeavours. It's a security issue. Hahah.

I can't say I've got this any more planned out than I did a week ago. But there is some good news. I have decided that I am not (under any circumstances) wearing a dress that either myself or Vince can trip over and destroy. IT just isn't an option.

And I am very excited. I just had to say that. Especially since I am all alone in the world of TBay and utterly out of touch. Oh Thunder Bay.

On a random side note: I found a place to live in Thunder Bay until April. I see things looking up in the near future. And I also sense some cooking classes coming up. Oh no. I hear the stove at Chantalle's house is demon-possessed. Pray for me.

I love you guys!

A New Chapter

Life. It can change in the matter of seconds. One last, desperate, love-filled email sent. A final attempt at salvaging a love you can't handle losing. A plane trip out to Thunder Bay. The ultimate gesture. The ultimate question.

It all changes in the matter of seconds, even though God had it in the works for thousands of years.

I give myself one week. Then reality will kick in. Things will not seem so sureal. And I will realize...

I am going to be spending the rest of my life with someone who:
a) not only knows what WOW stands for...but subscribes to it--monthly.
b) can make a wookie noise for absolutely every emotion known to man: love, hate, fear, sadness, confusion...
c) will inadvertantly mould me into a pastor's wife...
...okay, not so inadvertently. I was warned.
d) plays D&D
e) plays Axis and Allies (did I spell that right?)
f) uses the public washroom facilities in guys' dorm when I am in there!
g) has really big eyes
h) makes me laugh

I know this. I admit all of this. And I honestly could not be any happier.
Lauren, Krysta, Amanda...you were all right. I've spent the last few months in denial.

You know what the best part was? I called Dad to tell him...all I had to say was, "Dad I have something to tell you," and he was already asking for a date so he could book time off of work. Apparently he saw this coming for a lot longer than anyone else did. And apparently he really really really loves Vincent.

I have never been so excited in my entire life. I can't even sleep. I just wish a couple of you concordia folk were down here so I could give you all big hugs and jump up and down...boo urns.
January 12th! Krysta knows what that means...

Two More Days...

Laugh so hard you snort.
Make a fool of yourself.
Feels so good
To fall so hard
Your limbs shatter
The only thing intact is your heart.
Surprise, surprise
You
Thought it was broken
There's always gonna be someone
To pick up the pieces
But in the meantime
Something is left behind.
A gesture, a laugh, a phrase, a smile.
You forget
Until it comes back
And you weep to compensate
For how full you become
There is no room left
For what was loved and lost
Never to return again
The tears flow and flow

and flow

Until finally you feel like you can
move again
talk again
And you remember why you wept
'Cause those gestures
those laughs
that phrase
that smile...

It never
really
left.

--Anonymous

Edmonton

I really don't know what to say. A lot of things have come into play lately (as they do in the lives of most).

And I have come to one startling realization that I have been trying to repress for what seems like ages: my family is very important to me...but my heart is in Edmonton.

So, what now?

A series of more decisions and realizations and accomodations. Yes. A lot of 'i-o-n's. Ions! YEs. I just inadvertently related my life to a chemical bond...but a very strong one at that.

Hmmm...sounds like everyone at Concordia is just a leeeeeeeeeetle burned out. My advice: drink more coffee and make more random noises.

If in doubt, just ask Amanda about the funny noises thing.

The Bunny Suicides

Life

It's time for the rant session you all have been waiting for.

A lot of stuff has been brought up into the open and a lot of pre-existing beliefs have been confirmed. As the result, someone has gone outside of the 'circle of trust', but I think that I know what I have to do. The hardest part is just doing it. I'm trying to make sure that this choice is for me and not somebody else. Thank goodness I have almost a year to follow through with it.

Oh life.

holy sweetness

What a sweet day.

I woke up spry as an athlete (ha!) and simply enjoyed the morning. Who does that besides Amanda?

Two o'clock the moment I had been waiting for. It was Lauren's time to show me her opera skills. Lauren Mayell has finally taken up some professional vocal lessons as part of her post - secondary edumication. The thing about this girl is that classical and anything that isn't ''shake your bootie''ish typically doesn't fit the category of what she will sing.

So needless to say, I was amazed. Her performance was good and the song suited her very much. By the end of the year people will most likely argue that the song was originally composed for Lauren's voice. Splendid.

I was thus inspired to go to the piano practice room afterwards. I had never been in the ones at Lakehead...so I was a bit nervous at first. The doors have huge windows in them and everyone can see you. But...they're close enough to sound proof to make me happy. I couldn't hear anyone else playing and they can't hear me. The lips are moving but nothing's coming out. So, it was much easier to focus on the task at hand.

I was so happy that I can't even put it into words beyond: "I am happy". All is right in the world. I'm singing and I feel my voice getting stronger and stronger everyday. Now, I just have to find someone to sing to. Anyone. It's exciting. Yet beyond a hope and a dream I have nothing.
I like to listen to the voices of others a tad more than my own (in the end). Plus I'm h-core nursing.

Ho hum...nursing homework to do. But I could sing all day. Meh. It must get done. Must...get...done.

I didn't have a headache all day today! I am so confused as to the state of my own health. I had migranes since the middle of the summer every...single... day...and now all of a sudden I am in a state of euphoria and they disappear?!

God bless pianos then!

hmmmm...

You know how people always make these elaborate and well-to-do New Year's Resolutions and then a week later they entirely break them?
You guys also know how I get so upset and then say 'well, I'll never do THAT again,' or what have you.

Well. I took a step back. I thought about the choices I had made, the choices other people had made. I thought of why it just didn't work out.

Because. I'm not ready.

I love it when you think you find someone safe and you use them to hurt someone else. And then...the whole situation gets turned around on you and bites you in your sorry little arse. *cough *Cough.

Well...I know this much is true: I have a lot of 'emotions' (!) that I have to pull my self over and walk at least twenty miles away from before anything remotely close to a relationship is ever ever ever going to happen again.
Never pick up someone who has more baggage than you. They won't fit in the car.
If you don't want to have kids and you want to go to school for thirteen years...be honest. No one likes to be led on a string.

If it doesn't feel right...it's probably because it isn't 'right'.

Once again I neglected my friends, my school work, my family (a little) and even Jesus. How dare I? Well, that entire situation was a little messed up. The good news is that I'm not so depressed right now that I want another piercing. I don't have anywhere inconspicuous left to pierce. Hahah.

So that's the long and short of it. The worst part is that I don't even care. He's more of a man now that he's angry than he ever was. He actually is bold and cruel and...okay. He's just being an asshole. I was just kidding. but I'm an asshole too.

I'm just gonna absorb myself in my books and the good company of my girlfriends up here (and all their man slaves) and DDR and some social outings. Life is good. Life is GOOD!

What a Day

You know that feeling you get when you wake up and it's your birthday or it's christmas or it's easter or something??? You just know something wonderful is going to happen that day and you jump out of bed in anticipation.
That's what I felt like this morning.

Nothing particularily 'good' or 'exciting' happened today...but the night is still young. I was thinking maybe a phone call from somebody extra special...so I've been jumping out of my seat each time the phone rings. But no sign of the prodigal yet. I don't know what I mean by prodigal.

I think I need help. Moreover, I think I need the counsel of a good friend. I'm happy, but at the same time something is pulling at my conscience and heart and I don't know what. Maybe if I just talk for a bit it'll all come out. Maybe I'll cry a little (yikes!) or maybe i'll just supress a nervous giggle. Either way, it's got to come out. It is driving me to the loonie bin.

I have a lab exam on Friday and for the first time this year...I'm kind of anxious. After that bio midterm, I don't know what my odds of passing with flying colours are. Eeek.

Nav, you'd be so proud of me; I got a 94 on my psyche midterm! Perhaps the fact that I took the same class last year worked in my favour. Hahah. Second time is always a charm. If not the second, then the third. If not the third, then the fourth...etc, etc.

I almost made the class cry today during my communication presentation. Glorious. The impact of the reality of child abuse and neglect on people is truly astounding. I still can't believe Victoria Climbe's aunt and uncle tied her in a plastic bag along with her excrement in a freezing bath tub in an uninsulated bathroom in the dead of winter. Moreover, I cannot believe that the health care system didn't pick up on the signs of maltreatment upon her orderly visits. She was sent to three hospitals because suspicions of child abuse were reported. And NOTHING! was recorded. It's a fucking joke. Really. And that was in 2000. I cried the first time I read that.

Sigh.

Random thought: I wonder how Neal's tattoo is progressing. Nothing but fantasmic I can imagine. I am writhing with jealousy.

I need your opinion...Lauren?!

Okay, for all of you bloggers out there who have heard a vicious rumour that I copied Neal's freaky little 'inside the lip' piercing [a rumour which was started by myself]...I need your public opinion. Do you think that it looks okay? Understanding that it took me forever to get my Fujifilm delight in working order and that I am the least photogenic person on the planet. And I've been looking really pale lately. I realize it's been awhile since most of you have seen me. THis is just a refresher. I expect reciprocation.

Settle Your Hormones!

Sunday. My life has fallen in to a routine lately. If you know anything about me you know that I love routine. Just loooooooove it. It isn't very often that things seem to fall in to place and work out marvelously, but lately they have.

What is this routine thou speakest of? Well...
Every Saturday I do whatever it is my heart desires...whether that be playing DDR at Cat and Chris's or doing petty studying for psyche and chem or giving surprised visits to the most pleasant specimen of a man I have ever met. That's right, I called Scott a 'specimen'.

Then comes Sunday. By some act of God, Sundays always seem to be the warmest, the sunniest, with the mildest wind. Every Sunday I do the same thing with a slight variation (but the important parts remaining the same). Go to church, have lunch with Scott, go home. Think.

What did we do today? We found out what a $400 000 house looks like today. Ummm...you can't convince me that the lottery house is worth that much. Although I must admit...the floors rock and the master bedroom as A-ok in my books. Definitely. The scenery is so beautiful in that area. The hills and 'mountain' in the background...Ah. How refreshing. One could only be so lucky to have all of that to go home to. Could I ever ask for more?
Yes. A loving husband and kids. But I won't get too out of hand with that thought. Sshhh. Don't tell anyone. My reputation as a spinster in training would be spoiled forever.

Hmm...I must say though, I am enjoying myself thoroughly. I have a life outside of my nursing homework (well, I can pretend that I do). And I don't feel too pressed for time.
Oh, and get this: I'm going to visit Dad on the 20th. I don't know...the people that have walked into my life since September have brought a whole new perspective to me when it comes to family...despite how dysfunctional it all seems. They're there. That's what counts.

Oh...another thing. So I was going ape shit in the truck. Yeah...crazy. You know how I get [I mean---I demolished my alarm clock for heavens sakes]. So Scott just turns to me and says, "Oh settle your hormones". Well that put me in my place. Even if he WAS joking.

So men, next time your gf is giving you the third degree...just turn to her and whisper these three sweet words : Settle Your Hormones.

What If...?

I was sitting alone in a quiet place surrounded only by my thoughts. You all know how much I don't cherish those moments. There is nothing worse than the nagging 'what ifs' that pummel themselves at us.

But what if...
I would have called more. What would Thanksgiving have been like? Would I be happy?
What if...
I would have stayed. What would I be doing?. Would I still feel as bitter as I did? Would I have a job now? Would I be in school for four or five or six or seven years?
What if...
I wouldn't have went to that shag. Would I feel a little empty inside? Would my long distance phone bill be through the roof?
What if...
I would have kept every single promise I ever made to myself. Would I still swear like a trooper? Would I be single? Would I be studying in a convent? Would I be running a marathon in June?
What if...
I went to Medical School. Would I get married? Would I have a family? Would I be a nervous breakdown waiting to happen? Would I...make the time for the things that matter?
What if...
I got married tomorrow and started having a family? Well, there'd be more mini me's and that just wouldn't be good. I just don't think I would be happy.
What if...
I composed a song that changed the world.
okay...that would never happen. But what if it changed just one person's world? Would it be worth it?
What if...
I saved a life? Then I would consider none of my efforts to be in vain.

Life really is too short...but I'm going to savor all of those fleeting moments.

bizarrorama

So today began as the world's wierdest day. I had a complete spaz attack. Firstly, my alarm clock wasn't working--surprise, surprise. It always picks Sunday too. Always. So I usually end up going to church like a slob...but apparently Jesus doesn't care. Well I care.

So I unplugged it and flew down the stairs. I opened the side door and started swinging it like a lass-o while I made some last minute decisions: to destroy or not to destroy.

Destroy.

Now it is little more than a cord and some jumbled bits...and a memory.

The good news is that it can only go up from here.

Scott picked me up for church. Oh wait...he drove here, then I drove the rest of the way. That was an adventure. He's the worst backseat driver I've ever seen. He kept pretending to flip out and fiddle with buttons that shouldn't be played with [like the radio that apparently works...and scared the living daylights out of me!!!]. When we finally got there in one piece...we were late. So we got some nice backrow seating next to all of the new moms that are still in the breastfeeding stages. But we were facing forward, so we missed out on all of the action.

We've concluded that we have to go to church together more often, especially this one. It has comfy chairs (but the chairs weren't the determining factors--how shallow!).

Then I went to Zellers to buy a new alarm clock.

Next thing you know I've been conned into cabbage rolls and quadding at Scott's house. But it was definitely worthwhile...not just for quadding either: his mom told me some of the most embarassing stories about Scott I'll ever hear. The good thing is that he's more open now. Nothing he can say or do can embarass him more than his mother is capable of. Hahahha.

We went up to the 'mountain' and sped through the old railway bed. It was nice to just feel the wind breezing through my hair--I'm loving this long hair thing--and to see the fall colours zooming past. I haven't smelled like the great outdoors in ages. I'm starting to not be a wallflower anymore.

Kidding.

So yes. This was the most fun I have had in ages...well since the last time I went snowshoeing down the river with the one and only Miss Dahmer. That was a blast. Don't worry Lauren...I haven't been swayed away from you all in one afternoon of blissful quadding.

Love ya!

What is the film industry coming to?

I cannot believe that I actually watched Jackass 2. I cannot believe the amount of stupidity combined all into the span of approximately an hour (but felt longer). I got so riled up after watching that movie. It makes me angry because they have medics on site for their stupidity...when these medics can be taking care of people that truly and honestly respect the care that they are receiving. Anyone who desires to put a leech on their own eyeball does not deserve specified medical attention...unless it is a psychiatrist.

But I am only one person out of billions...and when it comes to nursing I have learned that bias and assumptions are not allowed. We're there to help the client regain independance and a state of well-being: be that what it may. So many ethical issues at hand.

Speaking of ethics, the only reason I have time right now to rant about Jackass is because I'm waiting for a 32 page code of ethics to print out. We have to digest all of this information so that somehow, someday when we encounter a diverse, morally unethical dilemma, we can be trusted to make the choice that is in the client's best interest. I hope that I can!

Midterms are coming up. I'm stressed, but not my usual amount. What the hee haw?

God's blessings to all of you in school right now because we're all in the same boat. Reading until our eyes fall out of our head...and apparently making flashcards *cough cough. Good luck peoples!

Stay in school, be cool...support the global economy.

I am NOT H-core

Required readings suck. so officially I am going to be broke. I have to photocopy pages upon pages of endless readings that all revolve around the same issues that are re-iterated in about a million different ways. How pathetic.

Oh well. Let's see what the World Health Organization has to say about the hierarchy of the nursing world in general.

And where on earth is my photocopying buddy. There is no way that I am going to be doing this all on my own. I'm bound to mess something up. You all know how good I am at photocopying.

This is a really good keyboard.

Lutheran or not Lutheran, that is the question

So I have come to the conclusion that spiritual growth is impossible whilst I remain in a church where the average age is...dead. I was sick and tired of always getting the 'second skimmings' (so to speak) of the Lutheran realm. We barely ever have a pastor--he always goes to the 'other' church--and I'm the only one who can see, hear, speak and walk. Therefore, I get voluntold to do just about everything. See, I wouldn't mind that so much...if the pastor could remember my name and stop criticizing my family.

There's just a lack of organization and vigour. It was to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I'm not the pastor of the church, so I refuse to take the responsibility for EVERYTHING when I've only been there for a week. I can't say that I've ever stepped into a church and found so many things...wrong with it.

So rather than continually whining and complaining and frowning and crying and screaming and pulling a little hairy hissy fit...I opened the yellow pages and went scouting for a new church. That's right. I went shopping.

I found myself completely excluding every name that had either LC-C or ELCIC after it. As it turns out, I found exactly what I was looking for: Redwood Alliance church. From the inside it looks so much like Bethel. There's even tables at the back that you can sit at during the service...and power point...and lots of volunteer oppurtunities that are bound to be much more organized and SAFE than something a Lutheran church in Thunder Bay could come up with...no offense (but when you start telling people that come off the street to not shoot up in the bathroom before you even get to know who they are...you're not displaying christian affection...mere judgemental human nature). So I'm through.

Maybe it's the saddest thing ever, maybe it's not. Being Lutheran is just falling under another denomination. I'm sick of caring so much about denominations. I just want some fellowship. That wasn't possible in a church where all they do is speak and never listen. A woman fell ill--and I mean ILL--and the pastor wouldn't even skip a beat.

It's typical for a virgo to be so critical. Forgive me. It's been a looooooooong week.

Back to my nursing 1450 work. The 'Therapeutic Nurse-Client Relationship'. Ohhhhh...my.

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Kakabekka Tired Irons

So what did I spend my time doing this Saturday? Sleeping and enjoying other peoples' company of course. That's what everyone should do on a Saturday.

Funny story...I slept until 1 in the afternoon--without a hang over. Oh for the love of all the things good and holy. I felt guilty alllllllllllllll day, believe me.

Anyhow. At three o'clock it was off to South (or was it North?) Gilles for a barbeque. However, Scott failed to disclose until just recently that the BBQ was being held by the president of the Kakabeka Tired Irons club. I had no idea that Scott spent his free time (moreso when he was younger) blinging up old tractors with his papa. What can't this boy do? Make-up and hair...yeah. That's it. Everything else he's got down to a basic science.

So...this person's house was amazing. First of all, South Gilles is in the middle of nowhere. So you can only imagine how many acres this person is entitled to use as he sees fit. I saw a pig with blue eyes! Imagine that!

I have never seen so many broken down ski-doos in my life. Scott and I are pretty sure we counted at least 40. And then he tried pushing me down the side of the cliff. At least that's what I told his mother when we got back. Of course it was a complete fabrication...but she half believed me. I'm terrible.

The agenda for next weekend: go quadding up some sort of mountain or something. He's gonna make a tomboy out of me yet. Am I ready for an event such as this? As long as he doesnt ask me to play baseball. I'd have to turn him down flat on that one.

Sara Browning

God is great. Do you know why? Because he isn't just some invisible force that we are made to be in awe of. He truly does exist in all the people that we are co-existing with (some a little bit more than others).

If you would have told me that this morning I would not have believed you. The only thing I believed was that God is a vicious child that likes to poke and prod and make things difficult so that at the end of the day he can see who the strongest are. My car is never working, my computer is...well we all know...my printer takes ten minutes to photocopy...what else?!!!

And then I get an email and a card from the most beautiful girl in the world, both inside and out. If you've ever met this girl before you'd already know who I was talking about. Sara Browning. No joke. The first time I met this girl I thought she looked like an angel. I never wanted to talk around her or to her or near her or hear her talk because in my heart of hearts I was convinced that she was in fact, a celestial being.

Well as it turns out Sara is in fact a mortal. I'm sure she feels it some days more than others.

She never ceases to make me feel like I am 'special' just because I'm...me. I can't explain it. I just wanted people to know that there are some really really really awesome people out there. So if you're ever in rush hour traffic and no one is cutting you any slack and giving you any means of getting into the lane you need; or some one slams a door in your face...or whatever...just remember that there are some people like Sara who are courteous drivers...and open doors for both the young and the elderly alike.

See, I open doors for the elderly, well I try. In the end I realize that they are ten time stronger than I and it ends up being a joint effort. I am pathetic.

I love my Sara.

If you like random...then read on

Okay, for all of you people out there who are 'outside of the loop'. There isn't really much of a loop. It's more of a squiggly line that never really meets up anywhere. That's why it's so easy to fall outside of it. Because technically, everywhere you stand could potentially be the outside. So don't feel bad...even I am outside of the loop. Pft. (pft is actually a noise that Amanda quite frequently likes to make. It is intended to be a sound in regards to 'oh bother' or 'bollocks' without all of the bolocks).

Anyhow...

That was a random bout of nothingness.

So...I have made a brilliant discovery. The library has five floors and the fourth one is the best. Nice scenery, a bunch of books that I could just pore over...and nursing students! H-core.

I got another piercing today. Oh for shame. Neal would poop his pants and call me a copy cat. And I would let him because it's probably true. Neal's my hero.

Can you believe that BOTH my degus are still alive?

seek help

I really don't know what to say. It seems as if I don't have to write much on here anymore because all of my friends seem to know much more about my own life than I myself do. Congratulations.

More than ever I feel as if I am in the place that I am supposed to be. I feel free and I feel like I am on the road to somewhere that may just exted my current happiness. Trying to content myself with the daily monotonies and having a joyous time doing so.

The game plan for tonite:watching movies with Scott, his mom and probably his Nana. Who is this man? I suggest that people turn to the direct source before crying about it to bags of estrogen that have no clue as to what they are talking about.

Vince, I think that you gave me the best bday gift I could ever have. The chance to stop hurting you and to leave all of the Concordia gossip far far behind.

Summer's Over

So work is done. Driver's training is done. CPR is done. What next?

School. Am I ready for this yet? I sure hope so. With a graphing calculator in one hand and a Nurse's guide to hospital care in the other I shall overcome all obstacles...
Do you hear that? It's my own personal themesong starting up in the background.

Guess what? I get to visit the most beautiful German lady in the world tomorrow. Now how many people can really ever say that. Not many. Oh, life's small joys.

As you can tell. I am rather bored out of my tree. Talking and typing virtually to myself for all I now. Haha..ha...

I hope I don't get any creepers on the bus tomorrow. Should I whip out the deaf act or not? Or just pretend like I don't speak very good english. I choose the latter. I could go for a whomping speech impediment act tomorrow. That would make the trip pass by a lot quicker. Amen to pretending you have a speech impediment to keep smelly people away.

Simplicity

I don't get poems. Somehow they just don't make sense to me. Then all of a sudden it all came together for me. For once in my life the light worked its way through the clouds and for a brief moment in time...everything made sense.

CVIII
What's in the brain that ink may character
Which hath not figured to thee my true spirit?
What's new to speak, what new to register,
That may express my love or thy dear merit?
Nothing, sweet boy; but yet, like prayers divine,
I must, each day say o'er the very same,
Counting no old thing old, thou mine, I thine,
Even as when first I hallow'd thy fair name.
So that eternal love in love's fresh case
Weighs not the dust and injury of age,
Nor gives to necessary wrinkles place,
But makes antiquity for aye his page,
Finding the first conceit of love there bred
Where time and outward form would show it dead.

It's simple. It's pure. You don't have to say anything extravagent or new because the love itself will always be new. This sonnet is perfect because I've never been a woman of many words when it comes to sentimentality.
I know all of this seems to hurt like a madman...but the pain makes me feel more alive than I have ever felt before.

A Nice View

It's amazing how many inquiries the statement "a nice view" got from my last blog. No, I haven't been oogling any goodies in the candy store. I just like listening to Kim (the caller beside me) harass Tyler and Darrel about their asthetically pleasingness. In my personal opinion...I've seen better looking *cough *cough.

Anyhow...
Is it possible to be born with a horseshoe up your a--? Because my mom thinks that I do. I always randomly win things and meet certain people at the most perfect times. It's just a random thought.

My opinion is that the wheel of fortune will turn and turn, and eventually I will fall off. Meh...luck runs out I guess.

I owe the world of bloggers an apology...

Well, first and foremost: if it wasn't for lauren emailing me and telling me something along the lines of "in the name of all that is holy, update your blog...you have like 21 comments on it!" Sorry for that folks. I'm back in the game. Nice conversations amongst yourselves though, btw.

So i rushed over to the blog page...and found out that what the blonde one spoke of was true. You guys are crazy. I'm so sorry for neglecting you. But at the same time I am hurt by Neal falsely telling me that I am his reason for living...when in truth, it is Leah. That boy.

Life is a complete gong show lately. Completely!

I have my classes registered for next year (and it's the timetable from hell).

My mom has decided that I am taking young drivers....end of story. All i have to say to her concerning that subject is:
"Maybe if you didn't sit in the backseat screaming your lungs out, I would be more comfortable behind the wheel!! Remember that operation we gave our little poodle to discontinue the use of his voicebox?? I've scheduled you for one."
So now, I don't know how I'm going to get to my classes on time in the fall. I have 7:30 am classes. Without a car, it's kind of difficult. The cherry on top of this ice cream sundae is that I get to drive the standard...and the jerk of a teacher refuses to teach me on anything but an automatic. What am I paying him for then? Rubbish. Absolute rubbish.

The good news: the hours at work are long...but the view is spectacular (wink wink). In case any of you don't know, I have the most ridiculous job ever invented. I call people on behalf of charitable organizations like MADD Canada, the Conservative party (*CHOKE!), Hemophilia society...etc, etc. Eleven hours a day...too many days a week. But like I said, the view is good!

You guys officially made my day...and I promise to pay more attention. Thanks goodness for good german girls like Lauren!

And Neal...You are my reason for living. Ask Lauren...she knows (don't give up my secrets, Lauren).

7:30 classes. What the hell were those people thinking?!!!

I need a more substantial social life

All of my things are finally unpacked (that doesn't mean they are in order). Now that the 'dirty' work is done, I feel like I have no purpose in life.

'One' really is the lonliest number. I haven't been bored in at least a year. I usually find something to do, but lately I've just kinda been dragging my hiney. Shame on me.

Someone please leave a comment telling me to get my arse in gear and get a social life!

Boxes

There is absolutely nothing more depressing than seeing boxes and guitars and laundry bags and garbage bags piled up outside of my room. Moreover, it is only April...8th.

So...

It's funny how everything hits you all at once. You're just going along minding your own business when suddenly **WHAM**life hits you square in the face. You realize that you are going through the 'last' of everything. The last praise chapel, etc, etc. As you can tell, this is possibly the most depressing blog I have ever written. It would help if I actually wrote more blogs, eh?

Jouko came to pick up my stuff today...as I'm sure most of you know. I never really thought about it but, HE DROVE ALL THE WAY FROM TBAY TO PICK UP MY TWENTY PAIRS OF PANTS AND TEE SHIRTS!!! Luckily, our RD understands completely...you can always tell who the children from divorced families are. Hahah...oh Krysta. I can't help it if my mommy loves me.

Anyhoo...that's all I really had to say. I'd like to send out a little 'thank you' to the lady that got us all going in chapel on Friday. Crazy. I'm getting more and more gray hairs everyday.

As an extra thought...I can't help but wonder what the heck Lauren is gonna do with all her crap.

periodic tables

Today (or last week I should say), I decided that it was time to make a choice. Pookie is clearly suffering from cabin fever and lack of sunlight...therefore...'Science Centre here we come'.

First of all...those little boxes on the bus schedules that point to your 'destination', yes, don't ignore them. Luckily, since I am in such good shape, I was able to shank the bus we needed in time to get there...but hey...not everyone is an Olympic athlete. Who am I kidding? I am the slowest person on this planet.

Anyway...i'd just like to say that white tee shirts with periodic tables on them that also GLOW IN THE DARK are cool. Anyone who has a gf who wants to wear one of those is simply blessed. Simply blessed I say.

Yet again...anyone who has a bf who will put up with the nickname 'Pookie' is also a very lucky girl.

Wait...anyone who has a German roomate who wears little more than pants in the morning is just...outrageously lucky and stupid to let something like that fade away.

I can't believe that out of all the cool things that happened (and are to happen today) I choose to rant about a tee shirt. Ha ha.

Change

As a firm Lutheran, I believe in all things seen and unseen--except for change. You know the stereotypical joke: How many Lutherans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they don't believe in change.
Well...it's true.

I thought that I would be at Concordia for at least six years. Life was stable and predictable (for the most part). Then all of a sudden...after much pensive contemplating... I had a revelation as to what I truly want to do. Apparently, I have the innate desire to stab people with needles and give the sick sponge baths. After seeing or talking to loved ones that were in the hospital...I couldn't help but think how much better our health care system could be made by simply CARING for the sick, rather than seeing them as a paycheck. I think a story that Nav once told me on a bus helped. All people want is someone to listen. Someone to sympathize with the fact that they are scared shitless. They also just want demerol at times, I can do that.

Looks like I'm packing my bags and moving my life back to Thunder Bay. They always come crawling back, eh? I feel that I use and abuse resources at times. If anyone would have told me back in September that this would be the ultimate decision that came to pass in my life...I would have asked them how their struggle with cocaine was going.

Why is life so random? Is it to cause excitement, laughter, humour? God is a funny guy. Understanding and misunderstanding be funny things too.

I'm slowly drowning out the voices that say 'You can't' or that 'you're an inconvenience' or (this is my favourite)...'Great, now I probably won't be able to go to University because of you'. I'm trying not to shift the blame onto other people as an excuse toward why I didn't make this choice in the first place. I'm trying to understand different peoples' viewpoints and i'm trying desperately to cut any ties that have only succeeded to rip off my flesh (metaphorically!!) and leave me to fry in the intense sunlight that we call the 'REAL WORLD'. I realize now that some of the things I have been subject to over the years were...wrong. I realize that all I can do is break the chain. I can't take it out on anyone else and I can't avoid not talking about it by refusing to write in my blog for a month.

Sometimes we are stupid.

Sometimes we are smart.

Sometimes we make such bad decisions that once we finally do something right, it feels wrong and we mess up our lives again.

I'm trying to soak up every moment I have left. I'm trying to appreciate everyone, but my lack of sentimentality won't let me. Don't take my silence the wrong way. If it looks like I'm on drugs or something...that means i'm in a good mood...good job happy people!

I'll come around.

guess what? I love Nav and Kryster and Germans...and sometimes pastries that look like muffins.

I can't believe that Jouko is coming to pick up my stuff on the 7th and the 8th. It's so soon.

Mission Trip

So, I'm back and I survived. I must admit that I splurged a little on the trip. I packed SEVEN shirts and I enjoyed sweating in them all with equal vigour. It brought me great joy.

About the trip...nobody told me that it was going to take three days to get there...nevertheless...I got to skip the ten hour overnight ferry ride. That was a blessing.

I would also like to comment on the cleanliness of my team. It was superb. I congratulate them. I pat them on the back. No sarcasm...

I would like to note [without pointing a finger of blame] that our team was slightly malnourished due to theivery existed amongst other teams. Somebody stole our eggs, butter, peanut butter, jam and our two bags of perogies. With Mike and Neal (and those of German ancestry) on our team, that just wasn't a good thing. However, what we did have was a Linda (everyone should have one of those) who made the most of all our food. And it was delightful.

Enough whining, I got it all out of my system. It's okay now.

About the experience itself...I saw my first mountain. I was in awe. I looked like an absolute moron because everyone else had seen a mountain..and those that hadn't just played it cool. I have to work on that. I'm far too easily amused.

The people of Kingcome were great. They keep life nice and simple. I feel as if I learned far more from them than they could ever learn from me. They were so hospitable and hilarious...and so in shape!!! I would benefit a lot from surrounding myself with people such as the Kingcome folk.

FYI: everyone should read the Book "I Heard the Owl Call My Name".

The most random thought I had during the trip: the sudden urge to join a nunnery. The hats are cool and there are no stinky boys there. It's the whole silence thing that urks me.

My parents thought that I had died. OF course, they didn't seem to worried about my death. They developed some wonky idea that I was only going to be gone for about 7 days. Yeah right...cause it takes three days travel there and back...right. That leaves one glorious day of fun-filled mission work. I think they're crazy. I blame my insanity on genetics.

So yeah...you should really see my pictures from the mission trip. Oh, they're so bad...so bad. I am the least photogenic person I know.

My spoon is too big. I am a banana.

Boys+hair=no-comphrendi

So, last night I had the oppurtunity to visualize the after math of hairstraightening upon the male species. It was interesting. All I can say is that underneath that happy exterior, there is an emo dying to get out of Eric. And Rod, well, if he rolled around in radioactive waste for awhile with straightened hair...he would soon really start to look like a true anime character.

Wow.

The best part was when they asked how to 'undo' it and didn't believe me when I said 'just wash it out'. Wow...boys are so intellectual sometimes. Conversations are sometimes just riveting.

FYI. My dad has a blog space??? He should really fill it out more often. (*hint hint).

three shirts

Can you believe that I am only allowed to pack 3 shirts for the Mission Trip? Woe is me and my mission towards serving the Lord with a lack of personal hygiene.

Throughout all of this all I can do is think of how unsanitary things must have been when Jesus walked on the Earth. WWJD? My rebuttle: he would pack 5 shirts, especially that cute striped one.

House Hunting and morning constitutions

As most of you know, I am not one who is graceful, nor do I ever demonstrate symptoms of what you would call "Good Luck". It just doesn't happen.
I ask you then: how is it possible that the first boarding house I look at was absolutely perfect in every way? The rent is nice a cheap, the rooms are good-smelling and inviting, there is a kitchen, a wonderful land-lady, internet, washer and dryer, toilet paper, etc. etc. [no phone...argh...i don't want to get a cell phone]. Did I mention that it is so unbelieveably close to campus. Did I mention that there is no meal plan? Did I mention that Cheryl (the owner) can teach me cooking skills...life skills, essentially? A-ha!
I'll tell you why all of this goodness has been thrust forth in my direction: it is because of the fact that I have to con two other girls into living with me in order to shank the top floor. Yes. There is always a catch. I will use my outrageously awesome advertising skills. The first step would be to acquire some outrageously awesome advertising skills.
Hmmm...for all of you ladies out there (*cough lauren *cough)...it is sooooooo close to campus and soooooo nice.
I think the best part about all of this was when I finally told my parents...today. My dad is currently typing out a legal and binding agreement/lease to the apartment for Cheryl to sign. it just states when I will be living there and how much we agree rent to be. That is a sure sign that this man has been ripped off by more salesmen than you can shake a stick at. [Now, how many of you are picturing yourself shaking a stick at someone/something?] Yes...he is ridiculous...but oh so handy to have around.
So yes. This means that I might have to cook for myself sometimes...moreso if I excommunicate the handy man that I associate casually with. The question is: will the caf food kill me before my own cooking does?
May God have mercy on the family that has to survive on my cooking in the future. All I can really say is that I'm looking forward to some nice, solid morning constitutions next year as the result of my caf-food deprivation. Sick...but so true.

Muffins, Wallets and Nunneries.

Now for another melancholy meditation...

Once upon a time there was a lad most commonly refered to as...Muffin. The Muffin man was a snitch. Quite often he was caught stealing the keys of innocent young ladies. One memorable case in particular wasthe time dear Muffin stole Lady Meg's keys and hid them in a most undesirable place for the storage of men's undergarments. It was not the exemplary display of any form of gentleman quality. Nevertheless, Lady Meg's response to this exhausting event of maddening unchivalrous behaviour was mere laughter. She took it with a grain of salt (plus additional silent treatments to appease the daily entertainment of her lady friends).
Unfortunately, this is not the end of this classic tale of deception. A few weeks later, an oppurtunity arose. The Muffin man was walking nonchalantly about the hallways of the institution of post-secondary education attended by our villain and heroine when he obliviously dropped his wallet. There are many mystical and grand contents of this object; one being the document stating legal ownership of his soul. [one must take note of the fact that Muffin did not guard the licence to his soul with due respect] Anyhow...the contents of Muffin's wallet fell into the gracious hands of Lady Meg herself by sheer providence alone. It was handed down from the hands of Quinn (the president of this institution of post secondary education). Lady Meg was to swear to turn the wallet in to Mike, the one who was on a vicious hunt to snipe Muffin, thus restoring justice to an far too bitter world.
Only half of an hour later, Lady Meg was enjoying a most delightful lunch with her comrades Lady Leah and Lord Tim. They were engaging in intellectual discussions of theology and life in general when none other than Muffin interjected along with his henchman, Vincenzo. Together these two lads spoke of the villainy and treachery of Quinn and how awful this 'theft' of Muffin's wallet was. They basked in self-pity and ignorance for quite some time. All the while Lady Meg was hiding the wallet spoken of and plotting revenge on behalf of the keys Muffins once stole and hid in a most undesirable location for the sake of mere entertainment purposes for himself and his nearly anonymous henchman, Vincenzo.
It was after this endless drivvle that Muffin left alone on a journey of search and destroy aimed at Quinn's life. Meg was safe. Only the mindless Vincenzo was left. The most difficult part would be to engage him in mildly stimulating conversation.
No sooner had Meg began to keep it cool...The reknowned Rhonda came and undermined Meg's revenge upon the very soul of Muffin. 'Muffin is very upset with Quinn. He is sobbing like a colicky infant. Prithee, returneth the wallet of the one grief-stricken one i speaketh of. If you have any compassion, you will take heed, oh fairest lady.'
Lady Meg, having a heart two sizes too large for her own good, gave the wallet back to Rhonda straight off. No questions asked.
Nevertheless, Vincenzo thought it necessary to take to salvaging the dignity of his master (a mere muffin man). He said quite ungentlemanly things in a manner not to be used in the presence of a lady (both by birth and nature). It was appalling and all present in the dining hall became silent.
Lady Meg never smiled again, nor did she speak another word to a single member of the male species. She has taken a vow of silence and joined a nunnery where material things, such as wallets, are not to be seen anywhere in the vicinity.
Vincenzo was trampled to death by an unfortunate, rabid dog.
The Muffin man had his soul stolen and sold on the black market.
Rhonda is currently peacekeeping in Afghanistan.
Lady Lorne is mourning the loss of such a fine roomate to a nunnery in eastern Germany, but has learned the art of vacuuming once a day in Meg's absence.

Thus ends the tragic tale of Lady Meg and the muffin man.

Math is the...best.

Welcome to my blog. I am currently seated next to the computer whiz Krysta Earl. Thank goodness. As all of my good friends (or even my enemies) know, I am not too keen on computers. However, I AM keen on keeping my friends up to date, even the ones that I live with (*cough lauren *cough). I have a livejournal account...but I never use it. THis one is just far too pretty.
Yeah...as I was saying...I'm in math class now. No...not math for arts students. Real math (or so I am told). Jerrard is glaring at me...har har...must leave.